A look in the mirror.

Wow. Here we are in the start of July already, in a summer I had deemed ‘sabbath summer’ - the year where I would FINALLY learn to relax, to commune with God in the garden, as it were. Because I have an ACTUAL garden that requires a lot of labor in the spring, and because I strongly need ways to quell the anxiety that ever seems to follow me, I figured this summer, more than ever, would be the perfect time to make some changes.

A funny thing happens on the way to intentions. You need a plan to actually carry out the plans you’ve made in your head. As of today, I have done none of that. Consequently, I am feeling exactly the same. Let’s be straight: the same of my life is good. I’m mostly retired, I have a home and friends and things that I enjoy doing. I’ve gotten on a ‘health train’ this year that has left me with a tiny bit more energy. All is well.

But even so, my mind wants to produce tangible results. In my head, nothing is happening unless I SEE things happening. I look around, and compare myself to other friends, who are starting businesses and volunteering and working on advanced degrees and creating art, and I start to feel the cracking of my armor. I need to DO something.

Last weekend, a pastor at a church I’ve been creeping on (a whole nuther story) had a sermon about looking within. Unpacking your grudges and your fears, two things that can hang up the best laid plans in life. I grabbed the insert with question to ask oneself, and immediately stuffed it in my bag to forget about. So much teaching, so little desire to be taught. Anyway, yesterday I decided to at least TRY to deal with the sermon questions.

What came out of me was not a huge surprise. A number of things on my list of grudges are things I know well about myself. And my response was also unsurprising: I get angry. A lot. Anger as a reaction to life has been steeped in me for as long as I can remember. Most people do not see it, but the closest ones to me DO. I hate it. I do not want to be angry at…things. Or people, especially people.

And then came the fear questions. Again, no surprise. I’m pretty much afraid of most things. Especially outcomes. What happens IF this bad thing happens? And I’ll tell you something, friends. Most every day, the possibility of something bad happening HAPPENS. Again, I do not want fear to overtake my days. I DO NOT like to be an afraid person.

After a bit of writing and uncomfortable thoughts that I would never be able to tackle fear OR anger, I sat with God. For just a few moments. I googled for scripture (yeah) on the subjects. A long list came up, and the one I chose was Ephesians 4. Actually, the whole chapter kind of caught my attention. What I liked about these verses was that there were very specific directions - no guessing around. Especially the verse about anger, which helps me to frame anger in a way that doesn’t cause me to feel so much shame:

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Ephesians 4:26 MSG

After a bit of contemplation and release, I turned as I often do to a favorite little book of prayer by Strahan Coleman. I like to flip thru the pages in no particular order. And what I found was permission. Permission to wake to a new day, to trust that I don’t need to see change or more importantly FEEL changed to in fact actually BE changed. His work is in action IN me, and I needed to look in the mirror more honestly. We are the work in process, friends, and it’s okay to begin again, again.